It is the time of year again for Pinoy bar examinees. Their long wait is over.It is either that the worse is over and they have finally become lawyers or this coming year will again be the longest one in their lives, if they fail and have to take it again.

The results of the 2006 bar exams is out. From where I'm sitting, I might as well be right in front of the Supreme Court anxiously waiting and hoping for my friends' names to show up in the list. This time of the year, for the past 6 years(except last year when I was waiting for the results of My bar exams) I've courageously shoved my way to the walking blackboard (damn thing just kept on moving!) stationed in front of the Supreme Court which contains the "magic" list of the lucky people who will add "Atty." to their names. Literally, there is a sea of humanity pushing, yelling, sobbing and screaming all at the same time. I was of the screaming kind when my husband passed. Not that I doubted that he woudn't. He's got the law in his genes. I was likewise ecstatic the next year when my bestfriend followed suit. Even when I genuinely and brazenly wished she cold have topped it as well. Last year was my turn. Although I received the good news at home, I drove to the "magic" blackboard after to see my name. It is just overwhelming to see dreams come true on paper.

But this year, I had to sit it out and wait for phonecalls informing me who had made it and who did not.

The first call came in. My brother-in-law passed. Like I said, no surprise there. Just another ordinary year for their family. I called him up and said my congratulations. Officially, my daughter now has twelve lawyer-godfathers. How cool is that?

Some of my sisses from the sorority passed. A lot of our brods made it as well. I texted those I know and wished them well.Their lives will never be the same.

I was hoping that there will be no rain on this parade, but sadly I was wrong. A good friend of mine (this doesn't capture it really, because I just love this girl), was not on the list. It is her 2nd time in two successive years. This failure will leave her distraught and disillusioned. It it will mess her up badly which coudn't happen even if she tried. She's got it bad as it is. She's a single mother to a baby girl whose father, wait, I refuse to talk about him. He doesn't deserve the publicity. She, on the other hand,is a good person with a kind heart. She doesn't deserve it to be broken into pieces. Not especially by a bunch of exams.

I called her not really knowing what to say. I didn't have to say anything actually because she was in tears as soon as she picked up the phone. There is no consolation, I felt, so I didn't even try. So I just told her to take it again this September. No ifs or buts. I told her it is written on our stars. Lawyering, that is. She told me she failed, and will keep on failing because of all the bad things she has done in her life.

Karma. Wikepedia defines it as "the effects of all deeds actively create past, present and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one's own life, and the pain and joy it brings to others." In our world, it simply means what goes around comes around. You reap what you sow. When you do evil things, evil will come back to you.

In my world, however, mistakes and wrong decisions are eventually bad for us. They lift us to a new high and make us happy for a while. They encourage us to feel that it is the rightest thing in the world. They allow us to live a lie. That is the worst case scenario for a thoughtless decision. It will not, in a million years, be the, if not the only, reason why people fail the bar exams.

Most fanatics claim it is the power of prayer and the endless church-hopping that will finally clinch it. Some say it is the last minute tips scattered the night before the exams which makes the difference. I say it is the focused preparation that person gives to it that wins the prize.

The bar exams does not the separate the sinners from the saints. It does not pass judgement on liars, prodigal children, nymphomaniacs and adulterers. It does not segregate single mothers from married ones. It does not even see the good, much less the bad in an examinee. It only looks at the right answers. Otherwise, if it had in it a character test, nobody would pass.

Sister, this one is for you. Go get your star. It has your name in it just like it had mine. When you think about it, if it were all about karma, I would have topped the flunkers' list.

I caught the Easter Mass at St. Patrick's Cathedral this morning. Considering that it is the most famous Catholic church in New York, where the Kennedys and other prominent American families have been married, baptized, interred, the works, it was comforting to find a Filipino priest presiding over it today. God knows I needed it.

I lost my job last Thursday. I was fired, actually. My boss didn't even have the heart to tell me herself. She just told my father a week ago that she got lucky when she hired me because i was good at what I do. So imagine the shock of it all when I was given my paycheck and be told that it was the last. The firm is not doing too well, they said. It was nothing personal. Since I was the last one in, I was the first one out. What a day to remember my accounting. But it was personal to me. Although in my heart I knew that it wasn't about me or my performance, it just sucks being fired. Never thought it will happen to me in this lifetime. Not especially at this point in my life when I need to stay here to sort my life out.

After it all sank in, I mulled over my options. I can try to find another job, or....I can go home, where my daughter and my profession are waiting for me.

I miss my baby so badly I dream about her playing, laughing, throwing me flying kisses. Many times I tell myself,What was i thinking leaving her behind? Then hubris hits me like cold water on my face. Going home meant I failed on what I set out to do here. It meant going back to face the demons I ran away from. I don't want to fail that way.

I realized I am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.It is tearing me apart.

This morning at St Patrick's I asked for discernment.I cried for help. I don't know what to do. I am lost in a maze where people who made wrong decisions congregate. For once, I want to make the right one.

help.

"It's just that sometimes, the wounds are too deep that not even a year is enough to make them heal. And even when they do, they leave a deep scar that brings pain even if the wound is no more. There is only so much a heart can take"

I picked this up from a blogspot I have recently began visiting. To say that it is one worth reading is a huge understatement. Not only does its words speak to the soul, but the author is as real as the air that we breathe. Air here in New York City most especially. Pinay New Yorker is powered by the stories of Dinna, a Filipina lawyer, mother and wife living her life here in the Big Apple. I responded to one of her entries last week (amidst one of my dark "unemployed" days) when I was close to selling fruit on the streets or packing my bags and flying back home. I gave myself until the end of the month to find a job otherwise it's bye bye nyc. Dinna patiently wrote me back and gave me tips on how to get around the employment maze in the city. She even suggested that we meet up and tell our stories after she found out that I was here a friendless soul. Now where do you chance upon bloggers like that? A few days ago I found a job, one for a Jersey firm which I wanted from the beginning. So I guess, I'm staying for a little while...reading more of Dinna's, my soon-to-be friend, blogs.

Something tells me that the fates understand where and how my heart is at this point in time. It is easier to find a lost purse in Central Park than its pieces.It can use a few more long walks, a lot of downtime blogging and Sunday visits to St. Patrick's.

It is not ready to come home.

I smoked my last cigarettes last night. Except that I didn't know it was the last one until this morning. While there are a million reasons why I should quit smoking, it is just plain economics, really. I can't afford it in this place. A few years back, a pack costs a little over 5 bucks. So before I left Manila, I stacked up (my friends actually gave me a ream each as going away present) with three reams, enough until my mother flies home to get me more. But 2 weeks before I replenish my stack, it ran out. I've smoked all of my three reams in 2 1/2 months. I never really knew how much I smoked until I've come to face the empty reams in my closet. Right then, my choices were clear. It is either I buy some until my Mom gets back or I turn cold turkey and drop the habit I kept for 13 years. A pack now costs 7 bucks. I smoke 2 packs a week. That is, at least, 56 bucks a month easy. Smoking has become, for me, an expensive habit that I just cannot maintain here in this city. So I figured, this is the end of the line for my marlboro lights and me. We are over. Just like any other break-up, I am in the denial stage. I don't feel it just yet. But it is the calm before the storm. It is the few hours before I start sweating,shaking and craving for that nicotine fix.

I just hope I beat it.

My daughter Sofia has reached one of her life's milestones. A few months after tuning one, she now can say short baby words like "oya" and "opo". She has a fascination for the vowel "o" and loses no time in showing it off. She also gets excited over our little store at home and runs in break neck speed whenever there is a customer wanting to buy something. My daughter also has a thing for slippers and people walking without theirs on. Everytime she sees someone without any footwear, she will dutifully pick up that person's slippers and stare until the slippers are put on their feet. Whenever her daddy comes home and takes off his shoes, Sofia is there with his slippers, in a heartbeat. Sometimes I think, she' s too beautiful to be mine. But that's just the mother in me, gushing over my little princess. This time, however, I mean it. My daughter has a penchant for slippers while I walk barefoot inside the house all the time. My own mother has been teaching me to wear my slippers for the past 29 years. Maybe Sofia can teach her Mom a thing or two.

I can't wait to get home to my baby girl and have my slippers waiting at my feet.

My boss is a 30-something Filipino-American who runs his Jersey firm all by himself. While I admire his spunk to start something here in America, where discrimination even among professionals is still rampant, I am even more amazed at how he has made it work all these years--SOLO. He receives about 280 phone calls a day on top of countless e-mails, regular mail, voice-mails,faxes and other forms of mail people get nowadays. In the middle of these, he attends appointments,meetings and consults pre-scheduled a MONTH before in his calendar. I have never seen him eat.Or drink. Did I mention that he also has a wife and three kids? Apart from the aforementioned facts, he likewise appears for a slew of cases in court representing his clients, hundreds of them as of last count. Just writing it all down here has left me catching my breath. He hired me primarily to manage his office. I am now in charge of answering his calls, checking his mail, setting up his appointments, writing his letters, paying his bills, reserving his consultation rooms on top of the legal work which is what I really do. At first, I minded so much that I am, essentially, his secretary. That did not sit well on me considering I have two degrees tucked under my belt plus, dang, I'm an attorney! But since I cannot really be choosy in a place where I am yet to be licensed in my field, I took it thinking it was better than nothing. A week into the job I feel that it has surprised me. I realized I've no clue as to how a fax machine works, or that it can transform to a scanner ( I am truly a caveman). I have learned to wrestle with a paper jam in a copier, weigh mails in an electric postage maker, master Lotus Pro, retrieve voicemails in an AVAYA phone system and really, just help out a helpless human being. Yesterday my boss took a break to tell me that I have made everything a lot easier and that he was grateful for the help. It felt good to be thanked. Even better,it felt exhilarating that someone's day just won't work without you,not in a romantic sense, but literally. This man's life will break down without ,err, me. It is as simple as that.

Everyday,now, I remind myself, I'll get me a secretary when I get back home.They are life-savers. They are geniuses. They are heaven sent.