I don't know how to do this anymore. Write, i mean. I used to really love doing it and used to do it well, too.I wrote on tissue papers, in between breaks, on my organizer, on anything i could get my hands on. Heck, I used to even write term papers for other people.But it was all a long time ago. Somehow, things happened. Had to go to law school, work, get married, have a baby. Life happened, I guess.And now, i sit in front of my computer grappling with how to put my thoughts into words, type it down just to erase and do it all over again. I do this at least five times before a paragraph satisfies me.(Case in point) 

Then I come to a crushing realization that I just don't know how to write anymore.At least not in the way I used to write before.When I wrote with passion,eagerness and pure excitement of needing to hold a pen, otherwis even my most trivial of  thoughts would just burst out of my teen-age head.That part of me has died a natural death. I've opened this blog simply to "chronicle" my life, or the lack of it, here in New York. (that's a different story altogether). I blog so I'd have something to do when work is slow, when I am bored, when i don't want to think of the life I left behind back home. I blog because I promised my daughter I would.So when the time comes that she has mastered her ABC's, she would know why mommy left her after she just turned one, barely taking her first baby steps.

I write, even though I don't know how anymore, to keep living until the time comes I feel alive again.

Currently listening to: john legend
Minz is: peaceful

I walked through a snowstorm today and almost never made it home. While everyone else was scurrying to find a ride, hop into a bus or make it  to the next subway stop, there I was right smack in the middle of 21st street staring wide eyed at pieces of hard ice hitting my face. I coudn't deny the little Filipina girl in me wanting to scoop it all up and make snowballs just like what they do in movies. So i did. Nevermind that a handful of passers-by stared at me looking petrified, convinced that another one has bit the dust and lost her mind in New York. I didn't care. Surely, i thought, this was one of the reasons why i chose to come here in America. I've had enough of the Manila sun, where it just doesn't shine but can actually boil eggs on your roof. I wanted to go somewhere cold.And windy. I told myself, i will never miss the heat back home. Three weeks from the day I flew in the city, it is still winter on a supposed spring time March. I mulled over this as I turned into the corner of 1st Avenue, still curling my frozen fingers on my first attempt at a  snowball. Winter waited for me.As i hoped it would. Everything seemed to fall into its perfect place since I came here. I found a job that I didn't look for. It appeared to have waited for me as well. When it rains, when it snows, pala, it pours den.  As luck would have it, I work for a company owned by a Filipina nurse who has put up a staffing firm, among other businesses, here in Manhattan. It sponsors registered nurses and physical therapists from the Philippines, spends for their exams and planefares,places them in hospitals across the state where they earn a minimum of $25 an hour. If one does the math, they make in a day what a regular Filipino employee would earn in a month.I did the math from day one and i just coudn't help but laugh at how absurd that sounds. But it's true. Surreal but true. I am an attorney and i can only DREAM of making that kind of money in Manila. So they all come here after picking which agency they would allow to sponsor them, take care of their needs when they finally arrive here in the Big Apple. After a couple of years, they will receive their greencard which the agency dutifully applied for them. Apres ca, they are made. They are permanent residents of the United States. They would witness infinite number of snow-filled winters, I thought wildly as I crossed 23rd street. They would never have to worry about goin back to the heat back home.  As my snowball slowly melted on my then frostbitten shadow of a finger, I cringed as I remembered one such nurse who walked in our office today. She announced that she came to pick up her check for the week, (which I imagined to be worth a month of mine) Our accountant, Tita Sue, told her that she has deposited it already and that she totally forgot the nurse's instruction not to. She apologized profusely for the mistake, saying that it was a busy and hellish week for all of us in the office. The nurse stood up, lifted her pointy chin and screamed for all kingdom come to hear, " Kaming mga nurses ni Marissa Beck ang nagpapasweldo sa inyo lahat dito! Ikaw, gaga ka!" I don't know what happened after. It all went down in a blur.I stood there dumbfounded, a million thoughts racing through my head. I wanted to slap her. Punch the daylights out of her. But I didn't. Nothing would come out of me. Suddenly,I felt, it felt really and truly cold. After an eternity of walking, i'm almost at the doorstep of our apartment. Twenty minutes of staying out in a minus ten weather has numbed my body. i figured i must have left my ears somewhere because i coudn't feel them anymore. For a second, i closed my eyes and tried to take it all in. I wished for just one second that i was cuddled up in the warmth of my bed back home, waiting for the rain to come. Then i realize home is 10,000 miles away and i'm living in a cold, cold place filled with cold people. In a place where it snows, even in springtime.

Minz is: numb

caught the worst case of colds today  crappy weather. missed my walk. had to take the bus. plus was hoping to post a special entry today but i'm only human. soon i promise!

boring tuesday. wished it was a thursday. hooked on a new soap.October Road. tells of a 29 year-old best-selling writer Nick Garret who has a stumbled on a serious case of writer's block. He decides to come home after 10 years of complete disappearance, hoping that his writing juices start flowing again. Thing is the last book he wrote was about all the friends and a girlfriend he left behind making his homecoming a little tricky. But moved by the words of a well-meaning fan who told him that ,"the person who refuses to return to the place of last happiness is a fool", Nick heads back to Knights Ridge prepared to take all the punches.

On another day, I would have a lot to say about this. But today I am sick. I just have to put it out there. Most times the place one was last happy is also the same damn place he was last lonely.So there.

Rantings of a feverish woman.

The thing about plans is that they don't take into account the unexpected.Especially when you make them while gasping for air. Like when this girl hopped into a plane to New York on her father's diplomatic visa thinking she could disappear for a while? A few weeks, couple of months, a year at most? Plane lands in JFK. Girl sleeps like she's never slept before. Wakes up. Starts drinking her vitamins, chugs  gallons of water,spots a 24 hour fitness joint and lays off the booze. In the meantime, a job lands her. She takes it.Gives her something to do while sticking with the "plan". Pay is not so bad either. It's all good. Then a day like this today comes by. The boss sashays into girl's cubicle and says," You're doin' good work here, i will sponsor you. File your petition next week." Girl's jaw drops. Boss leaves. World stops. Girl is stuck in nyc for the next three years. Some people are good at making them happen. Some people need a new plan.

We both lie silently still in the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside
Was it somethin' I said or somethin' I did
Did my words not come out right
Tho' I tried not to hurt you
Tho' I tried
But I guess that's why they say

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Yeah it does

I listen to your favorite song playin' on the radio
Hear the DJ say love's a game of
Easy come and easy go
But I wonder does he know
Has it ever felt like this
And I know that you'd be here right now
If I could have let you know somehow I guess

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Though it's been a while now
I can still feel so much pain
Like the knife that cuts you
The wound heals, but the scar, that scar remains

I know I could have saved our love that night
If I'd known what to say
Instead if making love
We both made our separate ways

Now I hear you've found somebody new
And that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife, I guess

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

go get your heart's desires

have a happy one...

 

Get a load of me
Get a load of you
Walkin' down the street
And I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be

Holding hands with you
And we're out at night
Got a girlfriend
You say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too

This is, this is just the beginning
We're already wet
And we're gonna go swimming

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?
It's inevitable.
It's a fact that we're gonna get down to it.
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too



Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?
It's inevitable.
It's a fact that we're gonna get down to it.
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?

I'd love for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'?
I'd love for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
For this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'.


So tell me why can't I?

Babe, tomorrow's so far away
There's something i just have to say
I don't think i can hide what i'm feelin' inside
Another day, knowin' i love you
And i, i'm getting too close again
I don't want to see it end
If i tell you tonight will you turn out the light
And walk away knowin' i love you?

I'm gonna take you by surprise and make you realize,
Amanda
I'm gonna tell you right away, i can't wait another day,
Amanda
I'm gonna say it like a man and make you understand
Amanda
I love you


And i feel like today's the day
I'm lookin' for the words to say
Do you wanna be free, are you ready for me
To feel this way
I don't wanna lose you
So, it may be too soon, i know
The feeling takes so long to grow
If i tell you today will you turn me away
And let me go?
I don't wanna lose you

I'm gonna take you by surprise and make you realize,
Amanda
I'm gonna te ll you right away, i can't wait another day,
Amanda
I'm gonna say it lik e a man and make you understand
Amanda


You and i
I know that we can't wait
And i swear, i swear it's not a lie girl
Tomorrow may be too late
You, you and i girl
We can share a life together
It's now or never
And tomorow may be too late


And, feelin' the way i do
I don't wanna wait my whole life through
To say i'm in love with you

Currently listening to: Boston..
Minz is: misty